Pick (yourself) up

Most of the writings in this blog were written long ago. Just recently, I decided to revisit and write here, why? perhaps because I've seen how strategic and how superficially I dealt with some things and rarely dealing with deeper issues, like self-worth, happiness begins with you. It is about picking yourself up. Not about who the right person but about becoming a little more of what you want in another. 

Especially, us men, who rarely shower and think it's sexy to have pizza leftovers all over the place, we need to be very, very clean, it ranks as high on the hierarchy of things-that-matter-most as discretion and confidence. Look, they were meant to be a little controversial, but we may be in need of revising ourselves, because things have changed and the way I go about things too... nowadays things are less technical, more complex. If things don't go your way, as is the case sometimes, just give plenty of space and go out and mingle from time to time. You'll come back to it later, provided you didn't screw your chances by being yourself. Okay, I gotta be hard on you, because if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't count. She doesn't need a pussy; she already has one. 

Of course, I don't express regret past writings. I think this blog was written in a visceral manner, with little, if any, time for reflection. Therefore, it was at times so raw, reason like lighting would reverberate through dark passages like a familiar face in an alien world. I cannot say that, at heart, I couldn't agree with most of that ink. It is brutally honest, and it definitely didn't help when it was leaked outside the few chosen people I had sent this blog. No more than five people, and nowadays I still get visitors on a daily basis even though I stopped writing this blog more than seven years ago. That's just probably lost bloggers who go searching for blogs everywhere, and count as reads, but who knows, maybe no one listens, few say otherwise, so we're left alone to ourselves and we have our say and then we say good night. 

The Friend Zone

Of course, you want to get physical, but this need for proximity should not overrule our better nature. So long as you extract from the equation the neediness that such "friend zone" implies. Remember: you want her. You don't need her.

Of course, you'll want to get close but do so with confidence and not to get to some sort of "physical level". Women can sense your lack of self-control, and you give away your cards when you make it about the endgame as opposed to enjoy the glorious journey along the way, regardless of the destination. It is not that you should forget about how much you want her, but never letting this be translated into you needing her. You shouldn't be pushing for taking things "somewhere." Sorry, guys, but that's girl talk. It is never a good dynamic to be more interested in a girl than she is in you. It isn't about her finding out what a great guy you are, either. It really is about how she feels and how she feels is invariably linked to how your energy handles her. You should be comfortable in tense situations. You shouldn't be giving more than you get, either. Don't spend too much time, money or mind on any girl that doesn't want you is my advice. Some time, yes; it is good to be in the presence of precious and more than acting tough and/or cool, feeling tough because you work out and cool because you are: you have an amazing hobby, you party with friends, family and strangers, maybe you even like your job because of the people you come across. I interact daily with dozens of people, I read them, I am polite, I give space, I don't pursue many things all at once even when it comes to women. Like snakes, I feed every so often but I like plenty on my plate, literally more than I can chew.

Of course, we can be friends and still have some of that tension that can make her at times desired, at others cold, never a grudge and always a serious smile. As mothers, they're our friends; as sisters', they're our friends, and as daughters and cousins (especially cousins), they're our blood... it is how we relate to women in our lives that sort of sets the mood and build the foundation of our future relationships. We can clearly see how our parent's way of loving, by showering each other with affection and rushing into serious and monotonous relationships, it didn't end well. We may preach exclusivity, but smile at every turn and feel good when everyone wants us. I'm not saying I am wanted, it happens once in a blue moon I just don't strike any luck, but I never make it about the outcome. And, in the emotional realm, patience, human contact and not just through technology, should also prove beneficial. We put way too much emphasis on this unpredictable force we call "love" which can uplift us and then see us fall, and we love the roller-coaster, so love does require to have the stomach and the hunger for. You need to keep updating yourself, and not just sit around talking on the phone, spend time at the gym, meditate, write more blogs on the matter, have tons of beautiful girls as friends. And if the girl feels like using you, and you feel like submitting to her will, well then go nuts. Whatever it is that makes you happy, don't make it about girls; they can be unpredictable but remember she's only testing your ability to remain in control and be fun even when you lose it.

But if you guys have things in common, like going out, having drinks, watching movies, etc., it is okay to have girls as friends, so long as you're not having all of this weird feelings about it. Your lack of anxiety, the relaxed essence of your being, that sense of having things under control and no fear in sight is what gets them. They sense your energy, so work on lessening the control they exert over you. You can't help but to want them, and feel that burst of energy like a thunder that is subtly communicated, not openly. You get close, because you feel close, and you do so without a stupid second or third "base" silly notion. Don't weird her out, and you'll do fine. Relax, she doesn't bite. (Some do, so don't just offer yourself as bait.)

And even dating gurus like Niel Strauss who condemn such "friend zone" often miss the opportunity to master their own drives by making about more than just your needs; of course, you're not to repress them either, and you're not going to spend a fortune if you guys go out. Being seen with beautiful women is always a good thing and you having beautiful friends from the opposite sex says a lot about you. So long as the guy doesn't invest himself emotionally, everything is game. This is an opportunity to get behind enemy lines, some women aren't ready for a commitment and many guys open up too easily and way too fast. It's never a good thing to show your cards. For crying-out-loud, if you can't help but have "feelings" when it comes to her, ask yourself: How girly are you? Yeah, sure, you enjoy her company, you spend time together more than you do with guy friends. You make friends out of them, as I've said long ago before in this very blog, and you'll give up guys for good. 

It must be frustrating for women to be approached daily, have guys throw themselves at their feet as they walk by, turn iron men into deplorable wussies. Beauty is a mirage: from afar, it looks enticingly promising, but once you take a closer look you see that it was your own illusion painting the picture in front of your eyes (which, to be quite honest, is the case in everything you see, as they call it "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder). Their self-image does not reveal that version of herself you make it out to be. In other words, women suffer from insecurity issues when it comes to their looks, especially because they grow up being told that they're beautiful. They are aware of their flaws as much as their qualities; and they choose to focus on their defects more than their assets even though they never let it out to be. Us men, on the contrary, enhance whatever it is we see, if it's a pretty face or a nice body, that's what we focus on. As men are visual creatures; we should always go for what we like, device all sorts of social networks, and never limit our happiness to a single person or event in our life. Have multiple partners, so long as you're single, no need for jealousy, no need for possessiveness. 

The fact is, things will happen but not in an oral way. Emotions, as opposed to feelings, is who we men are. That is our domain. After all, we process enough sperm a day to fertilize half the European continent. We work out and this pumps our testosterone levels, it makes us more ferocious and yet we should behave like cultivated beasts. The monster that lurks inside shouldn't be tamed by displays of niceness, instead tease her, see her as she sees herself with flaws and perfections, she'll love you for it. Make her feel comfortable, instead of giving her the creepy feelings that you have a hidden romantic agenda. Treat her as you would one of your boys: you don't flirt, you are not taken by her outstanding looks, a lion doesn't show his face and never announces an entrance. Be nice, though. Don't be a jerk, just play one. So long as it is not about impressing her, she'll feel relaxed and you can drop the player act. Just act around her as if she were your sister. Don't talk about sex. If you're not a good talker, learn to be a listener. Oh, and stop fantasizing about her naked when she's dressed in front of you. It is this instinct that you must learn to exert control over. 

Women are repelled by needy men, nothing sends them running more than a guy who doesn't stand his ground, calls her everyday, acts all nervously around them. I am never more at ease than at the presence of a gorgeous girl. I don't gasp, my world doesn't come to a standstill, my pulse never rises. I am as cold as an iceberg, and yet I open and enrapture you on a whim's notice. 

The point is, there's no such a thing as a friend zone. You can extract yourself from there if you don't go about making all about your needs. If she's not into you, don't be into her, and don't go around having too many girl friends either. They will want you to make a move, just make sure it is a physical move, not a verbal one. Don't try to put things into words. That's girl talk. You should speak actions. Lead the way. Make light of every situation, don't kiss her ass (unless, literally) and remember the important thing is how you feel. And you should be free, content, adventurous, unapologetic and polite, a civil animal. 

Pleasure Providers: How to deal with Shit

I'm not a cheat. I haven't always not been a cheat, so I know what is like to be a cheat; I know I made mistakes in the past and I will make many more in the future, but one thing I'm not is a cheat. It cheapens me, I feel low, dirty, so I have to go get clean. See, the problem with a problem -whether it is a very big problem or just a tiny one-, is the use of blame and guilt: those who feel wronged punish you with blame(or shame), and you punish yourself, privately, with guilt. There are guilt and shame societies in the world, that is America is a guilt society and Japan a shame society, for example. How do they work? Well, in guilt societies, like those under the influence of Christianity and Catholicism, people feel guilty and yeah, I guess some degree of shame. How does shame differ from guilt? Guilt is personal, you deal with your own problem, if you go kill someone then the blame is on you. In shame societies, guilt is experienced not just by the offender but also by those closest to him. Your actions, therefore, will not only have an impact on you; they will impact the lives of those you care for. So, if you were to, say, go on a rampage and kill a couple of innocent people, then someone in your family will pay. People just behaves better in those countries overall; they're humble and not arrogant pricks with superiority complexes, we Americans can be spotted anywhere in the world by the stench of our own self-involvement syndrome. 

If that isn't a good way to describe it, then I don't know what. Wait, true, not everyone is obnoxious and no, I'm not excluding myself from this phenomenon. I practiced being humble, it just didn't work. I guess there's a false sense of safety that comes from acting all tough, so we Americans have kept it up and it has worked wonders for us. We're the biggest pussy in the whole world. We got the best weapons, the larger houses, the nicest cars, and so if it isn't broken, don't go fixing it. 

The thing is, things do break from time to time. We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves, everyone makes mistakes, no reason to demonize others; you made a mistake, then fix it. Your relationship is not as good as it could be, then do something fun, go all out. If that doesn't work and it gets branded as "trying too hard" or manipulation, then take a step back. The problem isn't the problem; the problem is not dealing with problems that have always been there. Things we don't like about each other (in relationships to family and friends as well) can be enhanced and blown out of proportion, the more time we spend meddling with each other's way of being, we suffer. A word summarizes it: tolerance. It's not acceptance, because the thing itself bothers us, maybe because we see how happy it makes the other person and it could threaten our rightful position as sole pleasure providers. The way I see it is simple, really, and you don't have to agree with me on this one. I am a hedonist. I seek pleasurable experiences. We should consider ourselves providers of comfort which is what I mean by pleasure, because we all know some people might even go ballistic over such a big word as pleasure. It's offensive to some even, but to each its own. We can't be too strict and we can't be too loose either; the rope has got to be tight but not tightened enough so that it'd snap. It's a metaphor I use when it comes to relationships. It shouldn't be about what you can and cannot do once you're with me; it should be about finding things we like to do in common, and let the other person be themselves from time to time. 

It appears to make sense. Everyone likes to feel good and so long as you keep on doing the things that make that person (family, friend, lover) feel good without harming them, that good be a good deed. What you get instead is people who never feel appreciated enough, who feel self-entitled, who complain about most things, who say mean things. That is true, and a part of reality you can't escape: you can try to outrun it but shit always will catch up to you. No matter how careful, puff and there's a splash of shit. The fact is, overtime you try to stay away from shit, so that you don't get that dirty look, that nasty feeling in your stomach that you get when confronted with visceral experiences. People are shitty, some more than others, and others, a few, so much better than us. What you do is, you clean after yourself. You pick up and you wash and you rub off the stain, just like you do with clothes and just like you do whenever you go to the bathroom. When you walk into an argument and you're confronted with how "the other night you stormed into the room just to tell me how I was the best thing in your life, crying your eyes out, talking about Esteban", I snap back, "Yeah, I love that kid and it brings tears to my eyes as well as vast amounts of joy with splashes of pain. And it's easy for me to cry when I get emotional talking about Esteban, but I don't know that I was crying over anything else than all of these mixed-up feelings when it comes to my son's autism. I am feel so much better, by the way, thank you. 

That's shit.

When you get labeled "manipulative" for throwing out a surprise party to your loved one, flowers, drinks, music, food. It's her birthday, come on! Got to go all out, right? It doesn't take much time, really: walk outside, enter three stores next door, order a beautiful strawberry cake in one place, order a dozen balloons in the other, and go to the liquor store and make sure I get enough so that I don't have to make another trip down here. Why not throw in some flowers? Also, making up an event on facebook and sending it to a select group of family friends (love that!), and to a couple of her friends, takes about three minutes. "My mom thought that was biizzare! Why spend all that money and make such a big effort? I say, it wasn't that much of a big deal, I love cooking, so I cooked twice for everyone. They all loved it. "It was all for show." Well, I gotta admit, there's some of that. You rarely get to see family members even though you live about a block away from them, and you don't get tired of hitting "Like" button on every picture your closest circle posts, and so you want to make it nice for them. Of course, it has a theatrical component, but that's like looking at a Salvador Dali's painting and saying: "That's weird." Of course, it's weird, in a good kind of way. But hey, from now on, if I am to be manipulated and have others do nice stuff for me, then I'd happily be a hypocrite about it. 

No, but in all fairness, it isn't fair. You see, it's easier to slander and diminish whatever others want to do for themselves (because we do what we do, even if it's for others, for ourselves... we reflect the person we are through our actions), to find fault, to see the drama in everything. It's harder to try giving a crap about it. 

Yeah, mistakes are like shit: you clean after yourself. You don't go around sporting a brown stain on your lapel. You may shout out "Oh shit!" but that's about it. You may become agitated and talk louder and use light profanity, say awful things out of spite but it is our actions that reflect our reality and the world we inhabit. Not just words. Words have their moment, but everyone forgets a great speech a few instances later. What we keep in mind is what others have done for us, not just what they say. And if they only have said bad things about you and they haven't done really much, then you just treat it like shit. You wipe your ass and go on with your day.  

It's sad when a source of happiness means slandering or belittling the actions of others. Look, one thing is not